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Happy National Day!国庆节快乐 !
1
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it"s about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it"s a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
2
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren"t you married? Can"t you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I"ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn"t like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I"ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who"s just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what"s the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn"t like her."
3
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I"m a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You"ve been working so much that you"ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I"m going home, too. I can"t work in the dark."
4
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn"t worry me, I"m a horse!"
5
Put your feet in
The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle , and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her. "Mary !" called the teacher sharply. "Yes,Madam?" questioned the pupil , "Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!"
把脚放进去
一个女学生坐在座位上，嘴里起劲地嚼着口香糖，脚却伸到课桌间的走道里，被老师发现了。“玛丽！”老师严厉地叫她。“什么事，老师？”这女学生问。“把口香糖从嘴里拿出来，把脚放进去。”
6
He"s just Been to the Zoo
When I was waitting in line at the bank , I noticed a woman holding a small child at one of the windows. The boy was eating a roll ,which he thrust at the teller. The teller smiled and shook his head.
"No, no, dear," said the boy"s mom. and then , turnning to the teller , "I beg your pardon , young man. Please forgive my son . He"s just been to the zoo."
他刚去过动物园
当我在银行里排队时，发现一位妇女抱着一个小孩站在一个窗口。男孩正在吃一个面包卷，并将面包卷戳向出纳员，出纳员笑着摇了摇头。
“别这样，亲爱的，” 男孩的妈妈说。然后她转向出纳员说，“对不起，小伙子。请原谅我的儿子，他刚去过动物园。”
7
Play it or not
Dad : Bob, it"s time to play piano . When you"re finished , I"ll give you one dollar for an ice cream.
Bob : But all the neighbors said they would give me five dollars if I don"t play it.
弹还是不弹
爸爸：鲍勃，到弹钢琴的时候了。当你弹完的时候，我将给你一美元去买冰淇淋。
鲍勃：但是所有的邻居说如果我不弹钢琴的话他们会给我5美元。
8
Writing a composition
One day in class , the teacher assigned his students to write a composition <If I am a manager>
All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.
" I"m waiting for my secretary." was the boy"s answer.
写作文
一天课上，老师要同学们以《如果我是一个经理》为题目西一篇作文。所有的同学都在动笔写了，只有一个男孩例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。
“我在等我的秘书。”那男孩答道。
10
NASA plans on smashing two probes into the moon south polar region in hopes of revealing hidden ice。 hopefully they won"t hit the weakest point and crack the moon in half 。
NASA（美国宇航局）打算在月球的南极地区打入两个探测器，希望能够发现一些未被探测到的冰块。
希望他们没有刚好击中月球最薄弱的地方，然后把月球打成两半。
11
On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car. Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf. He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said
"I am not happy"
I said, "Well, which one are you then?????"
And that"s how the fight started...
Joke点在于：
被追尾的车主很郁闷地说，I am not happy。
事主却很无厘头地反问，Which one are you then??? (好吧，既然你不是happy，那么你是哪一个？）
余辉-
Goethe was once strolling on a narrow path in a park in Weimar. As luck would have it, he met with a critic who was hostile to him. Both of them stopped, staring at each other. Then the critic said, "I"ll never make way for a fool." "But I will," with that Goethe retreated aside.
歌德的容忍
一次，歌德正在魏玛一个公园的一条狭窄小道上散步。碰巧他遇见一个对他怀有敌意的评论家。两人都停了下来，彼此相互对视。接着评论家说道：“我从来不给傻瓜让路。” “可我给。”说完歌德退到了一边。
Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes punched in the top.
" What"s in your box?" asked the friend.
"A cat," answered Mrs Brown. "You see I"ve been dreaming about mice at night and I"m so scared! This cat is to catch them."
"But the mice are only imaginary," said the friend.
"So is the cat," whispered Mrs Brown.
猫和老鼠
布朗夫人去拜访一位朋友，她拿着一个顶部扎满了小眼儿的盒子。“盒子里装的是什么？”朋友问道。“一只小猫，”布朗夫人回答说，“你知道我晚上睡觉总梦见老鼠，我非常害怕。这只猫可以抓住那些老鼠。”“可老鼠都是假想的呀。”朋友说。“小猫也是假想的。”布朗夫人小声说道
Reached Shore Fast 快速靠岸
A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didn"t have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday." A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location." "I-75, two miles south of Standish." After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"
在休伦湖钓完鱼后，我的一个朋友开车拖着他的船回家。路上车坏了。他没带手机，不过，他想，也许他可以通过海事无线广播来请求公路援助。于是，他爬到他的船里面，启动了无线装置，喊道，“求救，求救”。一名海岸护卫队警官作出了回应，“报告你的位置”。“I-75号公路，Standish的南面两英里”。沉默了好一会之后，警官问我的朋友，“你的船靠岸时开得有多快？”
St Peter"s question 圣彼德的问题
Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through. He then looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?" Fortunately the accountant had just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!". St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "Name them!".
有三个人死了，分别是一名医生、一名会计和一名律师。他们来到了圣彼德面前。圣彼德对他们说，如果他们想进入天堂，就得每人回答一个问题。圣彼德看着医生开始发问，“以前电影院放过一部电影，说的是一艘船撞击冰山后沉没，电影的名字是什么？” 医生回答，“＜＜泰坦尼克号＞＞”，医生随即被允许进入天堂。然后圣彼德看着会计说，“船上有多少人遇难？”。会计很走运，因为他刚看过这部电影，回答道，“1500人遇难。”圣彼德把会计也放进天堂了。最后，圣彼德转过身，看着律师，非常严肃地用命令的口吻问道，“把1500人的名字都说出来？”
Blind Date
相亲（笑话）
After being with her all evening, the man couldn"t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn"t, mine would have had to!"
和相亲对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”
The Mean Man"s Party
吝啬鬼的聚会
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You"re not coming empty-handed, are you?"
一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“天哪！” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？”
Talking clock
会说话的钟
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How"s it work?"
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It"s two o"clock in the morning!"
一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？”他的一个朋友问他。“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！”
Snake Talk
Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?"
The other replied, "You"re darn right we"re poisonous! We"re rattlesnakes(响尾蛇). Why do you ask?"
To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue."
林肯过生日 Great Event
Teacher: What great event happened in 1809?
Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln was born.
Teacher: Correct. And what great event happened in 1812?
Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln had his third birthday.
老师：1809年发生了什么重大事件？
小威利：亚伯拉罕-林肯诞生。
老师：正确。那么1812年发生了什么重要事件呢？
小威利：亚伯拉罕-林肯过他的三周岁生日。
那就更糟了 Much Worse
Much Worse
Policeman: Why didn"t you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
Man: If I had opened my mouth, they"d have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
中文：
警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？
男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了
康康map-
Happy National Day!国庆节快乐
笑话
1
Mr. and Mrs. Clark decided to separate. Before being allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo some counseling from the marriage counselor to see if their union could be saved.
The counselor did her best, but it didn"t work. Mr. and Mrs. Clark made up their minds to go through with the
separation leading to divorce. Finally, the counselor said, “But you"re 95 and your wife is 93. You"ve been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now?”
Mr. Clark replied: “We haven"t been able to stand each otherfor the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up.”
2
One day an agricultural representative went outside, when he saw a farmer who was working in the fields. The man said to the farmer, “I"d like to inspect your fields.”
The farmer answered, “Ok. But don"t go into that field.”The man was angry and put a card out of his pocket, “you know, I am authorized to inspect by government. Do you see this card? I have the right to see any fields of yours.”
Hearing this, the farmer didn"t say anything and continued to do his work. For a while the man run madly towards the farmer, and a bull with horn was chasing after him. The farmer then yelled to him,“Show it your card to see!”
3
Correct
Teacher: Jimmy, what are the three words which pupils use most often at school?
Jimmy: I don"t know...
Teacher: Correct.
4
"Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?"
"No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other, so I am trying to stop it."
5
Two Americans laid a wreath on a comrade"s grave and saw, nearby,a Japanese laying rice on the grave of a countryman.
One American asked, "When do you expect your comrade to come and eat that rice?"
The Japanese replied, "When your friend comes to smell his flowers."
6
Teacher: John, please give me three reasons why you know the earth is round．
John: Mum says so, Dad says so, and you say so.
7
Our son, at age of five, had a fascination formotorcycles. The sight of one would always bring forth squeals ofdelight, accompanied by excited remarks of "Look at that! Look at that!I"m going to have one of those someday," his dad"s response always was"Not as long as I"m alive."
One day, while our son was talking to a little friend, a motorcyclepassed by. He excitedly pointed it out to the boy and exclaimed, "Lookat that! Look at that! I"m getting one of those as soon as my daddies."
8
Sammy prayed every night for two weeks, asking God for ＄100.When he got no response, he thought it would be a goodidea to write to God and see if that worked.
The post office received the letter addressed to“God, Los Angeles.” They decided that it would be best to just forward the letter to the mayor. The mayorread the letter and thought it was cute, so he asked hissecretary to send the boy ＄10, thinking the boy wouldthink that was a lot of money for a little boy.
When Sammy got the money, he was so excited that he sat down immediately to write a thank-you letter.“Dear God,” he wrote, “Thank you very much for the money you sent. I guess it is to be expected but I thought you should know this: When you sent it through City Hall, the government deducted ＄90.”
9
One day,Eve asked Adam,"Doyou really love me?"
Adam said helplessly,"Do I have any other choice?"
10
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke. After the joke the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off.
A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing.
The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It"s blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I"d come out there and give you what"s coming to you!"
tt白-
Happy National Day!国庆节快乐