西柚不是西游-
1、Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that"s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It"s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That"s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"
2、Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”
3、Let me take it down
An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."
"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know."
为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”
“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。
4、Watering Flower In Rain
Tom:Why doyou have that watering can?
Dan:I"m going to water the flowers.
Tom:But it"d raining.
Dan:That"s OK.I"m wear-ing my raincoat.
雨天浇花
汤姆：你拿喷壶做什么？
丹：我要去浇花。
汤姆：可是，在下雨呀！
丹：没关系，我穿着雨衣呢！
5、Two birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
两只鸟
老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？
学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
6 、he Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
鱼网
"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。
"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。
7、The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn"t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
新老师
9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。
"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。
"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"
8、 A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick"s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
一次物理考试
在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。
这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？
尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。
9
Too Fast or Too Slow
A man was driving at 130 miles an hour when a policeman overtook him.
"Was I driving too fast,officer?"the man asked.
"NO,"the policeman answered,"You were flying too slow."
太慢或太快
一个男人正在以130英里每小时的速度行驶，当一个警察看见他时，
他问：“我开的太快了吗？警官。”
“不”，警察说，“你飞的太慢了。”
10Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You"re a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
11 Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn"t see the bird, ma" am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma"am, it just resembles your hair. "
Notes:
(1) inform v.告诉
(2) nest n.窝；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓励
(5) resemble v. 相似；类似
鸟窝与头发
我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。
“是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。
“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。
“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。
“哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”
苏州马小云-
英语笑话
1 A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?The father replied: I don "t know son. I "m still paying!!一个小男孩问他的爸爸，结婚要花多少钱？爸爸说：我不知道，因为我仍然在付帐。
2 A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. "Now, children," said she , "has anyone of you ever make someone else glad?"
"Please, teacher,"said a small boy,"I"ve make someone glad yesterday."
"Well done. Who was that?"
"My granny."
"Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad."
"Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, "Granny, I"m going home," and she said, "Well, I"m glad"!"
一个主日学校校(基督教教会为了向儿童灌输宗教思想, 在星期天开办的儿童班)的老师在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“现在，孩子们，”她说：“你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？”
“我，老师，”一个小男孩说：“昨天我就使别人高兴过。”
“做得好，是谁呢？”
“我奶奶。”
“好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。”
“是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说：‘奶奶，我要回家了。"她说：‘啊，我很高兴！
3 Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt"s house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.
The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, "Now here"s a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman."
"Like a gentleman?" Dick asked. "How do gentlemen do it?"
"They always give the bigger piece to the other person." answered his aunt at once.
"Oh" said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,"Cut this cake in half, Catherine.".
迪克年龄七岁，他的妹妹凯瑟琳五岁。一天，妈妈把他们带到姨妈家去玩，自己就到大城市去买些新的衣服。
孩子们玩了个把小时，在四点半的时候，姨妈领着迪克走进了厨房。她交给迪克一块精美的蛋糕和一把刀子，并对他说：“喏，迪克，给你刀子，把这块蛋糕一切为二，给你妹妹一块。不过，你得记住要做得像一个绅士那样。”
迪克问：“像一个绅士？绅士怎样做呢？”
他姨妈马上回答说：“绅士总是把大的一块让给别人的。”
迪克说了一声“噢”。他对此想了一会，然后，他把蛋糕拿给妹妹，并对她说：“凯瑟琳，你来把这块蛋糕一切为二吧。”
4 Stan: I won 92 goldfish.
Fred: Where are you going to keep them?
Stan: In the bathroom 。
Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?
Stan: Blindfold them!
斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。
弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们？
斯丹：浴室。
弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办？
斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛！
5 George knocked on the door of his friend"s house. When his friend"s mother answered he asked, “can Albert come out to play? ”
“ No,” said the mother, “it"s too cold. ”
“ Well, then, ” said George, “ can his football come out to play ? ”
乔冶敲着他朋友家的门。当朋友的妈妈来应门时，他问：“阿尔伯特可以出来玩吗？ ”
“ 不行， ” 那位妈妈说， “ 天气太冷了。 ”
“ 噢，那么， ” 乔冶， “ 他的足球可以出来玩吗？
出国必备英文日常用语
▲Potluck Party 一种聚餐方式，主人准备场地和餐具，叁加的人必须带一道菜准备饮料，最好事先问问主人的意思。
▲Pull over!把车子开到旁边。
▲Drop me a line!写封信给我。
▲Give me a ring. = Call me!来个电话吧！
▲For here or to go？食堂或外卖。
▲cool; Thats cool! 等于国内年轻人常用的囗语“酷！”，表示不赖嘛！用于人或事均可。
▲Whats up? = Whats happening? = Whats new? 见面时随囗问候的话“最近在忙什么？有什么新鲜事吗？”一般的回答是“Nothing much!” 或“Nothing new!”
▲Cut it out! = Knock it out!= Stop it! 少来这一套！同学之间开玩笑的话。
▲Dont give me a hard time! 别跟我过不去好不好！
▲Get yourself together! 振作点行不行！
▲Do you have the time? 现在几点钟？可别误以为人家要约你出去。
▲Hang in there. = Dont give up. = Keep trying. 再撑一下。
▲Give me a break ! 你饶了我吧！（开玩笑的话）
。。。
11Fine for Parking
Tell me again," asked the judge, "why you parked there?" The driver rose and answered respectfully(尊敬地), "Because, Your Honor, it said "Fine for Parking"" (note: "fine" has two meanings 1) good 2) pay some money for doing something wrong.
2.Self-help
I went into a bookstore the other day and asked the woman behind the counter where the self-help section was. She said, "If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose." (note: "self-help" has two meanings 1) you take without paying 2) you can choose as you like)
3.I Couldn"t Digest So Many Apples
Doctor gravely(严肃地): "If you want to enjoy a long life, each time you feel like a drink. Eat an apple instead." Patient: "Sorry, I couldn"t digest(消化） so many apples."
4.Is This a Question
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question? " A student wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer." The students received an "A" on the exam.
5.A Dollar Per Point
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
Time Is Money
As the taxi came to a screeching halt at a traffic light,I asked the driver,"Do you agree that "Time is money"?" "Well,it"s a very common saying.Who will care so much about that?"the driver answered . "Look,the digits in the meter are still running when the car has stopped,"I pointed at the meter. "Oh.yes.You"ve got a point here,In this case,time is money for both of us,"added the driver.
The Korean War Is Over
My husband"s brother-in-law,Joseph,an American real estate agent,came to China for a short visit to our city.To show hospitality at the welcoming dinner party,Mr.Sun,the host,entertained Joseph with Chinese wine,saying,"According to our custom,a brother-in-law coming to his wife"s native country for the first time must drink three cups of wine."Joseph declined the offer by saying,"Thank you,but I can"t drink even one drop." "Then our dinner won"t be over without your drinking at least one cup,"insisted Mr. Sun. To this,Joseph responded,"The Korean War is over,Don"t attack the Americans any more."
men and beer
What do men and beer have in common? They"re both empty from the neck up
That"s once
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That"s once!"
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That"s twice!"
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn"t say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That"s once!"
Buy me a $200 bicycle for my birthday
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny"s father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too.
"And I"ll be DAMNED if I geDo you always wear a condom when you run?
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband"s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"
Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can"t jump out the window! It"s raining like hell out there."
Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"
So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
Ralph answered, "Only if it"s raining."
t stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
。。。
One rich man
One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in
Beverly Hills, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted.
The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles.
So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, = getting lit and partying next to the pool. The guy gets up on the = lifeguard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money."
No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd and says:=20
"OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house." Still no one moves.
K then, the first person the swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time.
"OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls = you can handle; everything I own."
"Splash!" Someone"s in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he"s all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on the tower jumps downand runs over to him.
"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done! Do you want the money now or later?"
"I don"t want the money."
"Do you want the house now or later?"
"I don"t want the house."
"Do you want the cars and planes now or later?"
"I don"t want the cars or the planes."
"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?"
"I don"t want that either."
"Do you want the girls now or later?"
"I don"t want the girls."
The rich guy looks at him and says "Well what the hell do you want?!?!"
"I want the bastard that pushed me in."
。。。
FinCloud-
man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second" 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."